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I got a...3. .�o�:[I designed this rhyme]:�o�. - by patw-21

Reviewed by : Guildenstern

The Internet, when one thinks about it, must be the planet's largest elephant graveyard. From all around the world they come, the lumbering, behemothal, chronically insecure and desperate pachyderms, and here it is they lay themselves down, giving up on life with a last shuddering wheeze and spewing up a FREE templated Geocities homepage to stand at the head of their premature grave. You see them everywhere you go, these sepulchres, as silent and unviolated as the Indian burial grounds they mimic- though time and tide erode their surfaces, scratching away the impressive array of cutesy-poo jpgs and leaving only a few empty boxes with big red crosses, still we shiver at them, still their 'Last Updated' legend strikes like the echoes of a well, chill and hollow and deep.

Nevertheless, it is an entirely natural and understandable reaction, when one blinks for the first time in the Web's artifical light, to want to claim all these little geegaws and milk bottle tops for oneself. Angelfire's 10MB become the felt notice-board to which one pins all the myriad of glittering little baubles one finds on the Internet, a hotch-potch patchwork quilt of Imood indicators, web counters, message boards and animated gifs all clustered under the satisfying umbrella term "MINESES!". Stepping back and basking in this glorious panorama of your own making, it is only then that you realise there is no room left on the board for anything you might have wanted to say. Lacking in HTML and aesthetically distressed, there is nothing left to be done but to try and squeeze the functional parts of the website in between all the pretty bits like the Industrial Zones in SimCity- but h�las! The attempt is in vain, the project unsalvageable, and the door is slammed firmly behind you as flee the thrashing, unmanageable monster you have created in the dark corners unseen by God. That's it, just stroll away innocently; no-one ever suspects a whistling man.

The first impression one has of Patw-21's diary is similar to that of diving into a Sid Meier game without reading the instructions. WHOOSH! A tidal wave of potential options, a garbled mass of what looks like it might be information, a screen divided and sub-divided into countless avenues and alternatives with no clue as to what one is supposed to be looking for. It's only after sifting through section after sub-section of trash and irrelevance and banners for the site that you're ALREADY LOOKING AT that one is actually able to confidently ascertain the points at which the actual diary entries begin and end- particularly as so many of the entries are, themselves, merely shiny (and not-so-shiny) distractions. Song lyrics and online quizzes and links to quote-unquote 'interesting' quote-unquote 'sites', inane quotes and emoticons and notify lists- the whole thing is a discerning reviewer's Pandemonium, and one is hard pushed, at first, to identify an entry which is wholly and undubitably the diarist's own work. Naturally, when one finally does find such an entry, one feels as cheated as the second person to reach the North Pole. After grasping about in the cyclone of birling confetti, one finally clutches the end of something substantial and finds it to be nothing more than one end of a stringy line of chewed-up pulp. The writer's only talent for interesting writing is in the field of unfortunate self-representation. He 'tried bulimia' like most people tried out new shoes, counts the fact that he has never been raped among the 101 most interesting things about him, thinks 'autisim is interesting', collects mobile phones and Nike trainers whilst 'feeling bad for starving people', and generally goes all out to talk about things in a way which is at best insensitive and at worst laughable. Or should that be the other way around? Probably not- I find it highly unlikely that anyone can be deeply offended by the inexorable ignorance of this little man.

"Life is hard enough with everybody highlighting your mistakes, I don't kick you when you fall down!" runs the quote in the mish-mash of sidelined information- but I'm afraid that I can't reciprocate Patw-21's well-intentioned inaction. As he scrabbles on all fours in the dirt, all decency and good taste dictates that his bobbing head be booted into the ether with a sickening thud; and, as Society's Kicker-in-chief, I have no option but to sweep that irregularly-shaped ovoid twixt post and post to the tune of three points. Hold him down, Peppermint Patty!

Yeah I got a three. Well not all reviews go so well. I dont care what they think, but shit happens.